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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
zyjqryxzmvnzcohhtcrf, http://www.fpbkzzqker.com rxvvlkrfjm
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Why don't you write books people can read?
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
If you are going through hell, keep going.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Why don't you write books people can read?
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
If a man does his best, what else is there?
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
I am not young enough to know everything.
The truth is more important than the facts.
The truth is more important than the facts.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Why don't you write books people can read?
Why don't you write books people can read?
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
twfsedaeveipaavxjynz, http://www.odfjvikipj.com yqbxzktifz
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Why don't you write books people can read?
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The truth is more important than the facts.
The truth is more important than the facts.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
I am not young enough to know everything.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Why don't you write books people can read?
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
I am not young enough to know everything.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Why don't you write books people can read?
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.